Everyone Wants to be Heroes (Except for Us!)
by LONEzy
Summary: All Fjrgeir ever wanted was to study magic and to one-day leave Bruma to visit Skyrim. So when a small Dunmer offered to take him to Skyrim, he left Bruma. He just wasn't expecting to end up on his way to the headsman's block. He didn't expect a dragon to save him. And he really didn't expect that the Dunmer he was travelling with to be the Daedric Prince of Madness, Sheogorath.
1. Chapter 1

He was jolted awake. He could feel the constant movement of the carriage as it managed to find every rut and lump in the road. He had no idea what was going on. Cracking an eye open he expected to be able to see where he was, but all he got instead was a face full of hair. His hair to be exact. The bluish black strands obscured his entire vision, even when he opened the other eye. _Great,_ he thought, _my hair tie broke_. He tried to lift his had to brush the hair from his face, but he felt something pull at his wrist. He realised that his hands were bound. That set off the alarm bells in his head. He jolted his head up, trying to flip the hair out of his face. It didn't succeed. He tried again. And again. And again. And failed each time to get his hair out of his face. He finally gave up and peered through the gaps in his hair.

"Ah, your finally awake."

The voice alerted him to the other people who were sharing the carriage with him.

"You were trying to cross the border. Walked right into that Imperial ambush, just like us" the blonde haired man across from him said again. Another of the carriages occupants began talking, but he blocked them out as he tried to remember what happened. _Trying to cross the border? That does sound right. I was taking that young Nord across the border so he could get to the College of Winterhold. What was his name again? Freddy? Freedom?_

"Fjrgeir." A voice stabbed into his thoughts.

He looked at the origins of the voice. It was the young Nord.

"That's it!" he exclaimed. "Wait, how could you read my thoughts?" A laugh trickled through the carriage, even the driver laughed.

"Um, because you were saying them aloud" the young Nord Fjrgeir replied.

"Really? I could have sworn I was talking to myself in my head. Maybe my mouth just didn't get the memo. It does that sometimes. It's like it has a mind of its own. I wonder what would happen if everyone's mouths had a mind of their own. I doubt there would much left unsaid."

"Shut up back there!" the carriage driver said, annoyance in his voice.

As much as he didn't want to he did and set about trying to flick the hair out of his face again. Fjrgeir listened into the other carriage occupants as they began to discuss where it was they were heading.

As the carriage pulled to a stop in a small town, which one of the carriage occupants noted was Helgen, the carriage occupants were pulled from the carriage. They were called one by one towards the headsman and his block. One of the carriage occupants tried to make a run for it, but was shot down by an archer before he even got to the gate.

He stood there patiently trying to flick the hair out of his face, which no matter which way he flicked, it returned to its position right in front of his eyes.

"Who are you?" one of the Imperial soldiers asked him and Fjrgeir.

"I'm Fjrgeir Jargarkesen" Fjrgeir answered. The Imperial soldier jotted something down on his piece of paper. The Imperial soldier then turned his attention to Fjrgeir's companion, who was still trying to flick the hair out of his face, and was failing miserably at it.

"And who are you?" the Imperial soldier asked him. But he ignored the soldier, he felt like he was close to getting all the hair out of his face. He began flicking his hair more viciously.

The imperial soldier lent to his captain, "What is she doing?"

He gave his hair one final flick, which managed to flick it behind his head, and glared daggers at the imperial soldier as Fjrgeir chuckled silently to himself.

"What did you say?" he asked. His voice laced with venom.

"I asked what you were doing" the imperial soldier answered.

"No, you said 'what is she doing?' didn't you?"

"Yes?" the imperial soldier answered in confusion. "Is there something wrong with that?"

"YES!" he yelled, drawing the attention of almost every other person in the village. Fjrgeir was silently laughing.

"And why is that wrong?"

"BECAUSE I AM A MALE!" He yelled.

Fjrgeir couldn't help it, he began howling in laughter, and lucky for him so did quite a few people. The Imperial soldier looked completely stunned.

"I'm sorry, but you look like a woman" the imperial soldier tried to justify. Which he did. His long hair, slim waist, and petite face lead many to think he was a woman.

"WELL I'M NOT! DO YOU NEED ME TO STRIP, RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, TO PROVE IT?!"

"Um, that won't be necessary, I only need your name" the Imperial said as he tried to rein the situation back under control.

"My name is Ano Veyloth. What? Were you expecting something more feminine?" Ano spat. The Imperial soldier just ignored him now and turned to the captain.

"What do we do captain. They're not on the list."

"They go to the block." The captain spat.

"By your order, Captain. I'm sorry. I will make sure your bodies are returned to your homes."

"Ha! I would like the see that" Ano sneered.

The captain lead Fjrgeir and Ano towards the headsman's block. They called one of the soldiers in blue to the block.

"My ancestors are smiling at me Imperials; can you say the same?" he said just as the axe cleaved straight through his neck. His head falling into the open crate; his body flopping to the side with a dull thud.

"Next! The dark elf named Ano!" the captain called.

Suddenly an ominous roar tore through the sky. Echoing off the nearby mountains. Flooding the valley with confusion.

"I said next prisoner!" the captain called again. Ignoring the noise.

Ano knew that that sound could mean nothing good, and that these imperial soldiers were going to get everyone killed.

"You do know you are just wasting your time, right?" Ano said to the Imperial forces as he walked to the block. "You can lop my head off. Not going to lie, it's going to hurt like an absolute bitch, but I'll be back. Well I'm pretty sure that's how it works anyway. Haskill said so." Ano was pushed onto his knees, and bent over the block. His hair fell back in front of his face. "Oh for the love of- Come on, I just got it sitting right again!" The headsman lifted the axe and was about to swing when, of all possible things, a dragon landed on top of a nearby tower, and began spitting fire at the people below. Ano stood up and looked up at the sky. There was a swirling vortex of clouds, that spat out meteorites that crashed down to the earth. He ignored the impending doom and shouted to the sky.

"REALLY, Akatosh!? 200 years ago you send a dragon to save everyone, and now you send one to kill everyone! Make up your fucking mind!"

"Ano!" some called to him. Ano looked for the origin of the voice. It was Fjrgeir, beckoning to him from inside one of the towers. Ano strolled over to the tower, somehow avoiding all the falling debris. Once he was inside someone slammed the door shut.

"What in Oblivion were you doing just standing there?!" Fjrgeir exclaimed as he cut Ano's binds.

"I was asking Akatosh what the fuck he was thinking? Sending a dragon to kill everyone" Ano said in annoyance.

"Wait, you think the gods sent the dragon?"

"Well it wouldn't be the first time. Although last time was to save everyone. You know, the Oblivion Crisis?" Ano explained when he saw the confusion on Fjrgeir's face.

"Anyway, on a different note, does anyone know where the Imperials stored all my stuff?" he asked the entire room, which was full of the soldiers in blue.

"We retrieved some of our items from the chests over there" one of the soldiers beckoned to a small cluster of chests. Ano began rooting through the chests for his and Fjrgeir's belongings. He found the Nord's bag and chucked it at him with no warning. Fjrgeir squeaked a little in surprise as the bag hit him in the chest.

"Give me a little warning next time!"

Ano ignored him and continued rooting through the chest for his belongings. He found his bag, sword and cane all bundled together at the bottom of the chest. He slung his bag over his back and stood.

"Catch!" Ano said to Fjrgeir, who just managed to react as Ano threw a sword towards him. Fjrgeir somehow managed to catch the sword.

"What the fuck?! Why did you throw a sword at me?"

"So you can use it to keep yourself safe while we escape." Fjrgeir just started at Ano.

"Um, do remember I use magic. I have my weapon."

"Yeah, but use the sword if you run out of magicka."

"I can't swing a sword to save myself! Why don't you use it?"

"Because you need the sword more than me at this second. Plus, I already have a weapon" Ano said as he held up the cane, which was no more than a glorified stick.

"A stick? You give me a sword that I can't wield, and you choose to use a stick?"

"Yes."

"It's a STICK!"

"It's a special stick, thank you very much."

"What, does it slay dragons?!"

"It might. We never know until we try!" Ano said as pushed Fjrgeir towards the tower stairs. "Also, if you break, or loose that sword, I will flay you alive" Ano said as he smiled. Fjrgeir had a look of terror as he ran up the stairs.

The dragon burst through the wall in front of Fjrgeir, and spewed fire on the unfortunate souls who were in the way. Fjrgeir looked through the hole in the wall and saw the remains of a burning house that was safe enough to jump into. He leaped through the air and landed with a thud on the singed floorboards. He looked behind him to see if Ano had jumped through the hole, but he hadn't. He was nowhere to be seen. Fjrgeir looked around for the dark elf and spotted a blur of blue in the corner of his vision. The elf had somehow got in front of Fjrgeir and was now beating the dragon with the stick.

"For the love of Talos! That idiot is going to get himself killed!" Fjrgeir said as he continued to crawl through the burning remains of the house.

Ano was still swinging his stick at the dragon. Each time the blows connected it did nothing, except piss the dragon off more. Fjrgeir had managed to get through the burning house and ran and tackled Ano out of the way, just as the dragon let out a big breath of fire.

"What in Oblivion do you think you are doing?!" Fjrgeir exclaimed.

"Seeing if the stick can be used to slay dragons" Ano said with a ridiculous smile.

"Your- What? Oh forget it. Let's just get out of here!" Fjrgeir said as he grabbed Ano by the scarf of his netch leather armour and began to drag him through the ruined village.

"Lemme go! I'm sure I can kill the dragon with my stick!"

"Since you have no sense of self perseveration, I will drag you out of this village if I have to!"

Fjrgeir was still dragging a complaining Ano behind him as he reached the intact keep on the other side of town. They meet the blonde haired soldier who was in the carriage with them, and the Imperial soldier who had asked who they were just outside the keep. They seemed to be arguing about something. Ano, not caring about their argument, broke out of Fjrgeir's hold and grabbed both of the men and dragged them into the keep with Fjrgeir following them.


	2. Chapter 2

Once they were inside the two soldiers stopped arguing to look at the small dark elf that had dragged them into the keep.

"Why did you drag us in here? I can't work with a traitor like him" the imperial soldier said in disdain. Ano guessed that these two used to be friends, or at least close, because of the look of familiarity between them.

"Me a traitor?!" the blonde replied. "You are the who turned your back on Skyrim and joined those imperial dogs!"

"Hey, can't we work together! 'Cause, in case you didn't notice, there is a dragon attacking the town, and I don't think it cares for allegiances" Fjrgeir said, trying to break up their argument. When the two soldiers seemingly ignored him, he turned to Ano for help, but the mer wasn't there. He was standing on the other side of the room, looking at a table, with his back turned.

"Ano?" Fjrgeir called out to the Dunmer, wondering what he was doing. The mer ignored him.

"You dragged them in here, at least try help me to get them to work together." The mer ignored him again. Ano's silence had drawn the attention of the two soldiers.

"What's he doing?" the blonde asked to know one in particular.

"Ano? What are you doing?" Fjrgeir asked as he approached the mer.

Ano finally stopped ignoring them and turned, smiling ridiculously at them.

"What the- "Fjrgeir started but Ano cut him off.

"LOOK AT ALL THIS CHEESE!" the strange mer said as he held out an armful of different cheeses. The others just started at the Dunmer.

"Oh I hope I have enough room in my pack for all this CHEESE." Ano practically shouted the last word. He started to rummage around in his pack. He found a big piece of cloth to wrap most of the cheese in, however, he still had a wheel and a slice that wouldn't fit. A deep frown settled on his face. Fjrgeir asked the mer why he was frowning.

"Because I can't fit it all!" Suddenly Ano's face lit up. He grabbed the small slice of cheese and began scoffing it back.

The others just stared in disbelief. A dragon was destroying the town and the mer was just eating cheese, as if the threat of imminent death was nothing to worry about. He finished the slice of cheese and went to take a large bite out of the remaining wheel just as one of the gates into the room burst open. An Imperial guard saw the prisoners and pulled out her sword to attack them.

Fjrgeir readied his magic, the blonde pulled out his axe, and the imperial soldier went to speak, to try calm the situation down. They all went to act, when suddenly there was a loud SMACK, which was followed by a sickening CRUNCH that sounded like bones breaking. They stared as the soldier that had barged into the room was falling to the ground after being hit in the head with – none of them could believe it – a wheel of cheese. The trio stared at the scene for an impossibly long time trying to comprehend what had happened.

The intruding soldier had just been knocked down by a wheel of CHEESE! None of them could believe it. _Where had the cheese even come from?!_ Fjrgeir thought, when it finally dawned on him. He turned to see a very angry Dunmer sitting on the ground. Fjrgeir had no idea why the mer was pissed off, but he didn't even need to ask before the mer spoke on his own.

"She made me waste my cheese!" Ano practically spat at the soldier lying on the ground.

"It's just some cheese…" Fjrgeir said a little sceptically.

"SHE MADE ME WASTE MY CHEESE!" the mer shouted. The walls seemed to vibrate, but Fjrgeir wasn't sure if that was just the dragon razing the town or not. Fjrgeir turned to the imperial soldier who had come into the keep with them,

"Go wake her up and see if she has a key to get out of here" he said. Just as the soldier turned to go check on her Ano spoke.

"That won't be necessary. She won't be waking up." No one knew what he was meaning until the soldier approached the still form of the woman. There was a large dent in her helmet, which was the exact shape of the wheel of cheese, and an alarming pool of blood that was growing under her, which was originating from the huge cave in in her skull.

"What the fuck?!" the soldier shouted in horror. It drew the attention of Fjrgeir and the blonde. When they saw the large dent in the head of the very dead woman, they wanted to be sick. Fjrgeir couldn't believe that a wheel of cheese had managed this amount of damage; it looked as though someone had taken a warhammer to her head. Ano walked over towards them, however, he ignored the body of the woman, and picked up the wheel of cheese. It practically disintegrated in his hands. He bawled his fist up and kicked the dead woman.

"YOU MADE ME WASTE MY CHEESE!" Ano shouted as he kicked the woman again. The walls seemed to vibrate again.

"Hey! Stop that!" Fjrgeir shouted, as he tried to pull Ano away from the dead woman. Ano looked at Fjrgeir, his eyes flashing dangerously.

"She made me waste my cheese! Why should I stop?" Ano spat at Fjrgeir.

"She's already dead."

"Exactly. This is more for me than to hurt her. Seeing as she can't feel this" Ano said as he kicked the woman in the shoulder. There was another sickening crunch. Fjrgeir wondered how hard Ano had kicked her to break her shoulder. It then dawned on him; _how hard did he throw that cheese for it to kill someone?!_ Another sickening crack resounded through the keep as Ano stomped down on the woman's leg.

"Would you stop that! You don't need to desecrate the body of the dead!" Fjrgeir shouted at Ano. The sound of breaking bones were making him feel sick. He could tell by looking at the blonde and the Imperial soldier that it was making them queasy as well.

"FINE!" Ano yelled as he kicked the dead woman one more time. He then riffled though her belongings and found a key. He stalked over to the other gate in the room. Fjrgeir turned his attention back to the woman after watching Ano final stop abusing her body.

The Imperial soldier stooped down next to the woman. The damage that Ano had done was disturbing. Fjrgeir was just glad that she wasn't alive to feel that torture. The Imperial soldier slid the woman's lifeless eyes closed. He then moved her out of the way of the door. The blonde soldier helped him. Fjrgeir could tell that they were obviously on opposite sides, but agreed that no one deserved treatment like that. The sound of protesting rusted metal drew Fjrgeir's attention to Ano, who had got the gate open.

"Are you coming?" Ano asked with a smile, seemingly forgetting everything he just did to the woman. Fjrgeir stared in disbelief at the Dunmer. He was almost certain that the mer was insane. Fjrgeir wasn't sure if he felt safe travelling with Ano anymore. The two soldiers noticed Ano's elevated attitude.

"What the fuck? You expect us to travel with you? Especially after what you just did?" the Imperial soldier asked accusingly. He walked towards Ano, but stayed away from him, as he feared what the psychopathic Dunmer might do.

"You killed her! She didn't deserve that. We are all trying to escape that dragon!" the Imperial soldier yelled.

"And in case you didn't notice, she went to attack us first. It was self-defence. Even Fjrgeir and blondie there were going to attack her" Ano jabbed back.

"Blondie?" the blonde asked but he wasn't heard over the Imperial soldier.

"Fine! Yes, she did attack us first, but what gave you the right to desecrate her body like that! No one deserves treatment like that!"

"She. Made. Me. Waste. My. Cheese." Ano bit out slowly.

"For the love of Mara! It was a wheel of cheese, not a human life!" the Imperial soldier shouted. Ano's eyes grew dark. Everyone in the room took a step away from him.

"There are only a few things in this world I still care about. Cheese just happens to be one of them. What I did to her was merciful compared to what I normally do to those who cross me." Ano was barely audible, but they could still hear the viciousness in his tone. In his frightened state the Imperial soldier drew his sword and looked ready to attack Ano.

"If I was you I would think long and hard about what you are going to do next" Ano growled. Fjrgeir stepped between them. He faced the Imperial soldier.

"Put the sword away. Look at what happened to the woman. It's not worth it." The Imperial soldier hesitated and looked at Fjrgeir and the blonde.

"Hadvar, I would listen to the Nord" said the blonde. The Imperial soldier, Hadvar, hesitated before he sheathed his sword. The dark look on Ano's face lightened and the room seemed to finally breathe. But a long silence stretched through the room. There was something that needed to be said but no one wanted to say it. Fjrgeir, realising that the two soldiers were not going to say it, cleared his throat.

"Ah… Ano, um… I don't really want to travel with you… anymore" Fjrgeir said awkwardly, trying not to anger the Dunmer. Ano looked at him with surprise. There was a silent nod between the other two Nords.

"Ralof and I also don't want to travel with you" Hadvar said bluntly. Ano looked at the Nords. Everyone expected the Dunmer to become angry again but he just simply inclined his head and turned to Fjrgeir.

"Are you sure? You wanted me to take you to the College." Fjrgeir nodded his head in response.

"Thank you for bringing me to skyrim, even if we are in the face of imminent death. But hey, think of it this way, if you get out of this you can go back to doing whatever you were doing before I dragged you here" Fjrgeir said trying to keep the mood light.

"Very well then, I shall go enjoy my cheese and continue with my vacation. Since I'm already here, perhaps I'll explore Skyrim" Ano mused to himself. The elf gave them a short wave then sauntered back out into the mayhem that was the town of Helgen.


	3. Chapter 3

Fjrgeir, Ralof, and Hadvar continued their decent into the depths of the keep. They met minimal resistance until they reached the torture room. The soldiers in blue, who, Fjrgeir found out, were called Stormcloaks, were fighting some Imperial soldiers. Ralof and Hadvar went to go fight for their side. Fjrgeir wanted to stop them, but the soldiers were hell bent on fighting each other, there was no way they would talk this out.

Fjrgeir hung back near the entrance to the room to avoid the fighting. The two opposing sides fought until it was only Ralof and Hadvar left. The two Nords nodded a silent truce and waited for Fjrgeir to join them. The trio continued on their decent into the depths of the keep.

They thought that they had managed to avoid the rest of the soldiers that had fled into the keep until they walked straight into a room that was full of Imperial soldiers. All the soldiers saw Fjrgeir and Ralof and readied themselves to attack.

Fjrgeir drew fire into his hands. The delicate flames licked at his palms before they suddenly grew and began encompassing the Nord's arms as he feed the spell more magicka. Once he though the spell was strong enough, Fjrgeir launched the spell at some of the approaching Imperial soldiers. The flames hit the soldier in the centre of the group and exploded, engulfing the surrounding soldiers. Screams of agony filled the expansive room.

Ralof had launched himself into battle with a burly Imperial soldier who wielded a large two handed battle-axe. The soldier rushed at Ralof, the axe high above his head, ready to swing it down and rend the Stormcloak in two. Ralof rolled out of the axes path and swung his small axe into the soldier's leg. The axe's blade sunk into the flesh of the soldier's calf, slicing though the tough leather greaves. The Imperial stumbled, the large battle-axe imbedding itself into the moss covered stonework. Ralof lifted up his axe and imbedded it into the soldier's head, slicing straight into the man's non helmeted head. As Ralof tore the axe free the soldier's body crumpled to the group.

Hadvar hung at the back of the room. He knew if he went out into the open he would be thought a traitor and his fellow 'brothers-in-arms' would most likely attack him. Ralof and Fjrgeir had already cut their way through five soldiers, but there were still ten more in the room. Hadvar knew that neither Fjrgeir or Ralof would be able to fight off all the soldiers. There were just too many for them to take on. As Hadvar deliberated joining the fray, he almost missed the smudge of blue-grey that rushed past him. Hadvar went to call out, but thought against drawing attention to himself. The blue-grey smudge obliterated its way through the countless soldiers.

Ralof had pitted himself against another giant of a man, who, this time wielded a large steel war-hammer. A war-hammer that Ralof wanted. He fought viciously against the large Imperial soldier, ignorant of the quickly dwindling number of enemy soldiers.

Fjrgeir burnt another soldier to a crisp. He then turned to the last remaining group of Imperial soldiers. _Ralof must be cutting through the soldiers!_ Fjrgeir thought as he summoned fire into his hands once again. He launched a large fireball at the group, one of the soldiers managed to dive out of the blast radius, and thus saved himself from being burnt alive. Fjrgeir went to summon another fireball, but found his magicka empty. _Oh shit._ Fear ran rampant through Fjrgeir as the final soldier began to come closer to him. _Of all the times to run out of magicka!_ Fjrgeir looked around for a weapon to use, when he remembered the unfamiliar weight of a sword on his hip. He fumbled for the hilt as he tried to draw it. The soldier seemed to notice that Fjrgeir was reaching for a sword and decided to press his attack. Fjrgeir grabbed hold of the sword's hilt and pulled it from his belt just as the soldier began to quickly close the distance between them. Fjrgeir raised the sword, in what he hoped was a solid enough guard. His breathing hitched as the soldier, now almost right in front of him, raised his sword and swung towards Fjrgeir. He watched the soldier swing his sword down at him. There was the slightest clang of metal as the soldier's sword hit Fjrgeir's guard, and then the soldier was gone.

Fjrgeir blinked.

Where the soldier had been, was now a large splatter of blood. A few chunks of skin, bones, and organs littering the red paste. Fjrgeir's mind spun as he tried to understand what just happened. _I didn't use a spell. Not that I know a spell that can turn someone into paste._ He only became aware of the person standing in front of him, when the person grabbed the sword from Fjrgeir's grip.

"Wow. You weren't kidding, you can't use a sword to save yourself. That guard was so weak I think even a mudcrab would be able to break through it."

"Ano?" Fjrgeir asked the dark elf that was now holding the sword he had been holding.

"Yep, that's me" the Dunmer said as it looked over the pitch black sword in his hands.

"Why are you here?!" came another voice. It was Hadvar.

"Well, in my hurry to leave this burning town, I forgot that I gave my sword to Fredrick here" Ano said as he jerked a thumb at the extremely confused Nord next to him.

"Fjrgeir" the confused Nord said.

"Huh?"

"Fjrgeir. My name is Fjrgeir. Not Fredrick. I don't even know of a single person named Fredrick."

"Oh. Well, in my hurry to leave this burning town, I forgot that I gave my sword to Fjrgeir here" Ano said answering Hadvar's original question.

"I thought you were leaving Helgen?" Ralof said as he approached them.

"I did leave. I was about a hundred metres down the road when I realised I had left my sword behind" Ano said as he strapped the sword onto his belt.

"Wait? So you got out, but came back into a burning town for a sword?" Fjrgeir asked. He was astonished how simple minded the Dunmer was at times.

"This sword is very precious to me. And since there is only one in the world, I can't easily replace it" Ano said as he seemed to pet the sheathed blade. The group just stared at him a little dumbfounded.

"Well, ah, thank you for taking care of that soldier" Fjrgeir said as he gestured to the red paste beside him.

"Your welcome" Ano said with a little bow. "And your welcome for all the other I took care of as well." Fjrgeir glanced around the room and noticed similar splatters of gore.

"How did you do that anyway? I don't know any spells that can obliterate someone like that" Fjrgeir asked.

"Just one of the perks of being me" Ano said with a noncommittal shrug.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ralof asked. Ano just smiled a very toothy smile. They realised he wasn't going to tell them.

"So, anyway am I back in your good graces?" Ano said as he turned to Fjrgeir. "Do you still want me to escort you to the College?" Fjrgeir considered Ano for a moment. When he realised that travelling with Ano was safe, if he didn't piss the mer off. He wanted the mer to escort him.

"Yeah, that would be great thanks" Fjrgeir said. Travelling with the Dunmer would also allow him to study how the mer fought, and might be able to work out how he turned people to gory paste.

"Are you sure it's wise to bring him with us?" Hadvar said, voicing his concern.

"Well, he can definitely fight well… that's for damn sure" Ralof said as he eyed the gory paste then he turned to Ano, "just as long as you fight with us," _And we don't piss you off somehow_.

"As I said to Frodo-"

"Fjrgeir" Interjected Fjrgeir.

"-Fjrgeir back in Bruma that I would protect him while we head to the College, so of course I'm going to fight with you" Ano continued. The two soldiers silently nodded in agreeance to travel together.

"So shall we finally get out of this burning town, and out of the way of a rather angry looking black dragon?" Ano asked but he didn't wait for a reply as he skipped towards the exit through the splatters of gore. The three Nords just watched the mer with trepidation and followed, skirting around the gore.

######

When they finally emerged out of the creature infested cave, _there was a bear! A bear! Under the gods-damn town_ , Fjrgeir took a deep breath of fresh air. The northerly breeze kept the smell of the death and destruction above from the air. The other two Nords sighed with relief as well while the insane Dunmer stood nearby, studying the sky. Suddenly a fear inducing roar ripped through the valley.

"Quick hide!" Ralof yelled and scrambled behind one of the nearby rocks. Hadvar and Fjrgeir followed suit. Ano just continued to look at the sky. _The idiot is going to get us killed!_ Ralof thought as he contemplated in dragging the mer behind cover. Just as he was about to grab the mer the large black dragon swooped overhead. Ralof decided to stay behind cover. The dragon did not bank round to eat them, it continued to fly north flying off over the mountain range behind Riverwood and towards the Whiterun plains.

The three Nord climbed out of cover and grouped near Ano, when the dragon could no longer be seen.

"Why didn't you get behind cover?!" Ralof growled at the mer.

"Hmm? What? Sorry I was watching the dragon" the mer replied.

"You should have got behind cover! The dragon could have spotted you and attacked us!" Ano gave a noncommittal shrug in response.

"Well, isn't it my job to protect you? I would have fought it off."

"But you wouldn't have been able to kill it! Only the Dragonborn can kill dragons."

"I'm pretty sure I would be able to manage."

"What by trying to kill it with your stick?" Fjrgeir added.

"If I had to, yes. Although, I would probably try with Umbra first."

"Umbra?" Fjrgeir asked. He had heard the name before, somewhere.

"Yeah, Umbra" Ano said as he drew his sword.

"Wait, that sword is Umbra? The one that was enchanted by the ancient witch Naenra Waerr?" Fjrgeir asked eagerly.

"The one and the same. Actually thinking about it, I probably shouldn't have given him to you, considering he can warp the minds of his wielders. Oh well, you seem fine enough" Ano said with a shrug.

"I can't believe it! I got to hold Umbra!" Fjrgeir said giddily.

"I thought you didn't care for swords?" Ano asked as he sheathed Umbra.

"I can't wield them to save myself, but Umbra is an exception. It's beautiful workmanship, its magic based history, and its soul trap enchantment. I swear the enchantment on Umbra is stronger than most soul trap spells. And when used in conjunction with Azura's Star, it can become even more deadly!"

"I swear Umbra is blushing with all this praise your giving him" Ano said, blinking in surprise at Fjrgeir's reaction to Umbra.

"Do you think I could run some magic based tests on it?"

"No. Not unless you want to lose your mind, and most likely end up killing everyone you care about, and those you don't care about. Plus, he's picky. He was upset when I lent him to you. His exact words were 'You are giving me to this whelp that doesn't even know which end to hold me by'."

"You talk to your sword, and it talks back?" Hadvar asked in disbelief.

"That I do, and yes he does" Ano answered matter-of-factly.

"There have been many people who thought that Naenra Waerr gave the sword a conscience, that was one of the reasons she was executed" Fjrgeir piped in.

"First dragons, people being killed by cheese, people being turned to gory paste and now sentient swords. Can this day possibly get any weirder?" Ralof asked in exasperation,

"I'm pretty sure I could manage…" Ano started.

"NO!" all three Nords yelled. Ano blinked in surprise but didn't speak again.

The sun had sunk low in the sky. Dusk was slowly creeping across the land. Fjrgeir was the one next to speak.

"Perhaps we should make camp just down the road a little, then we can carry on in the morning." There was a silent nod of agreeance and they set off down path into the cover of trees.


	4. Chapter 4

They had managed to travel all the way to the standing stones before it became too dark for them to continue towards Riverwood.

"We should camp here. The ground is flat and sheltered" Ralof said as he pointed to the stones. The party nodded in agreeance and set about gathering some wood to make a fire with. All the collected wood was piled in the centre of the three stones.

"So… anyone got a flint?" Hadvar asked the group.

"Don't need one. Ferdinand here is a mage remember" Ano said as he gestured to the mage.

"How many times do I have to say it? My name is Fjrgeir! F. J. R. G. E. I. R" Fjrgeir said as he spelt it out for the Dunmer.

"Is that how you spell it? No wonder I can't remember your name! It makes no sense!" the Dunmer argued.

"What does the spelling have to do with remembering how a name is pronounced?" Ralof asked as he lent against the warrior stone.

"You know what? I don't know. I like illogical things, but your name makes no sense. Maybe you should put a 'Z' in it. Yeah, that's what it needs, a 'Z'. F-J-R-G-E-Z-I-R. That's better!" Ano said as he spelt out the new spelling.

"How in Oblivion does that make it easier to remember? If I spelt it like that my name would sound like 'freegarzir'! How does the 'Z' make it easier to remember?" Fjrgeir said as he lit the wood on fire with a spell.

"No. No. No. Your name would still be said the same, the 'Z' is silent!" Ano said cheerfully.

"What is the point in it then?!" Fjrgeir said as he sat away from the fire, leaning against the mage stone.

"What's the point in anything? The point is, is that there is no point!" Ano said as he beamed at Fjrgeir.

"I swear you are touched by Sheogorath" Fjrgeir said with an exasperated sigh. Ano brought his hands together and rested his chin on them.

"Yes. Yes, I suppose I am" Ano said with a wiry smile and a small chuckle. All three Nords stared at him with perplexed looks on their faces, not understanding why Ano was chuckling.

Ano looked at their confused faces and his smile grew, but when he noticed that Ralof was leaning against the thief stone, and thus all stones occupied Ano's smile fell into a small pout.

"So you don't leave anywhere for little ol' me to lean, huh?" Ano said in half feigned sadness.

"First in, first serve" Ralof said simply, making a show of leaning against the stone in comfort. A cheeky smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. Ano let out a huff and continued to sit on the ground with crossed legs.

"So… anyone actually have any food?" Ralof asked when a growl came from his stomach.

"No" Hadvar said in defeat.

"I don't have any" Fjrgeir said with an equal tone of defeat. All three Nords looked at Ano, expecting the same reply, but were confused at the sly smile the Dunmer gave them. Ano pulled his pack in front of him and opened it, pulling out a wheel of cheese he had put in there earlier. He waved the wheel in front of the Nords, making a show of the cheese. Ralof reached forward to grab it but missed when Ano pulled it out of his reach, waving his finger disapprovingly at him.

"Uh, uh, uh" Ano teased. "First in, first serve. Maybe you should have planned ahead and grabbed some food back in Helgen. I know I saw some cabbages in that keep" he continued, then took a large bite out of the wheel, over exaggerating the taste of the cheese with moans, that if you had shut your eyes, you would have thought you walked into something rather private.

"Can you please never make a sound like that ever again?" Fjrgeir said in a disgusted tone. Ano gave another over exaggerated moan when he took another bite. Fjrgeir shuddered. Hadvar and Ralof looked extremely uncomfortable.

"I'm not making any promises" he said slyly.

"Do you think you could share?" Hadvar asked looking greedily at the cheese, "even just a little?" Ano put his hand to his chin in contemplation.

"Why should I do that?" he asked.

"So we don't starve" the imperial soldier replied shortly.

"Well the way I see it, only Frederico" Fjrgeir didn't even bother correcting him, "here, actually earnt any food" Ano said as he tossed a chuck of cheese at the mage. "He actually helped in the escape and the setting up of camp. He fought, collected wood and started the fire. Ralof you fought and collected wood, but you were too smug about your spot against the stone there. And Hadvar, you didn't help at all when we were escaping, and you only collected wood. So out of you three only he deserves any food" Ano said as he jerked his thumb at Fjrgeir.

Hadvar and Ralof stared at the mer in anger. "This is why us Nords don't like your kind" Ralof muttered under his breath. "Think yourselves all high and mighty. Like all the other elves. Just like the Thalmor. I bet you're just like them and don't 'believe' in Talos" Ralof said louder in a venomous tone.

"Actually, I know for a fact that Talos is one of the divines" Ano said as he shot the Nord a dark look. "I don't know much about the Thalmor, but they sound like a bunch of dicks. I might have to do something about them, but then again who am I to defend Talos, he can stand up for himself. And you say that us Dunmer are too high and mighty. You Nords are just the same as us, taking pride in your history and ancestry. So don't assume stuff about people or your innards might become outards" Ano said with a very cruel grin.

A chilling silence fell over the small camp. Ralof looked ready to attack the mer, but was managing to hold himself back, knowing he would not fare well if he was to attack the mer. Ano stared at the Nord, his eyes almost begging him to attack him, just so he had an excuse to kill him, but when the Nord did attack, and sunk back towards the thief stone, Ano laid down on the cold, hard ground and closed his eyes. Every looked at the mer, wondering what he was doing, but when they heard light snoring coming from the Dunmer they realised that he had fallen asleep.

Fjrgeir still held the large chunk of cheese Ano had given him. He hadn't taken a bite yet, but when he realised that Ano wasn't going to give the other two Nords any food, he broke the chunk into thirds and handed to pieces to the other two. The resulting size of the pieces was nowhere near enough to fill them up, and soon Ralof was starting greedily at Ano's bag.

"It's unfair that he won't share! He ate an entire wheel and we were left with nothing until you shared it with us" Ralof said in a harsh whisper trying to not wake the mer. Hadvar nodded in agreeance. Fjrgeir was unsure at what they were getting at. But he soon figured it out when Ralof edged closer to Ano. More specifically Ano's bag. It was resting very near the mer's head. Ralof grabbed the flap on the bag and opened it. As he pushed his hand into the bag he felt the cool touch of metal at his throat.

Ano was no longer asleep in front of him, but behind him with wild looking yellow cat like eyes. Ralof was completely frozen with fear. The mer's eyes were otherworldly, something a mortal should not possess. Hadvar and Fjrgeir were standing behind Ano, stuck between wanting to pull the mer's sword away from Ralof and wanting to live. They seemed to have chosen to live when neither moved to help Ralof.

Ano's horrible eyes were boring into Ralof's eye that was visible from his half turned head. A chill ran down his spine, but his body still didn't move. Ralof's fear and Ano's anger made the air hard to breathe. The Dunmer was completely still, and silent. No one moved. You could have mistaken them for statues. But the silence was eventually broken by Ano.

"YOU DARE TRY STEAL FROM ME?!" the mer's voice boomed. Resting birds in nearby trees scattered. The mer normal voice was gone, and was now replaced with a voice that induced so much fear that it put the dragon's roar to shame. Fjrgeir and Hadvar took slow trembling steps back, away from the Dunmer. Ralof knew he should be shaking by now, but his body refused to move at all. Ano bent at the hips and put his mouth near Ralof's right ear.

"You really shouldn't have done that." The mer's voice was now a low growl. "Now what to do about those sticky fingers of yours. What to do, what to do. Perhaps I should chop them off. No! That's too dull. So very dull, dull, dull. I should make you eat your _**own**_ fingers. It would stop you from stealing, and solve your hunger. Two birds. One stone." Ralof could feel the malice in the mer's voice. He knew there was no way he was going to make it out of this alive. _The fucking elf can turn people to paste!_ He could finally feel his body begin to shake.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Ralof pleaded to the homicidal Dunmer. He screwed his eyes shut as he pleaded and so he didn't see the sword be taken away from his throat. But he heard the mer move to be facing him directly. Ano slowly stooped down to where Ralof was hunched on the ground. He placed a hand on to Ralof shoulder. Ralof flinched at the touch, but when no pain came he looked at the mer. The mer's eyes were no longer yellow and cat like, but back to the normal blood red eyes of Dunmer eyes. Ano's other hand grabbed Ralof's hand as if to help him up off the ground. However, just as he went to stand, Ano's grip on his hand grew tighter. The hand that had been on his shoulder also went to his hand. He then felt the new hand grab hold of his index finger. Ralof was confused with what the Dunmer was doing, when suddenly he felt white hot pain lance through his hand with a resounding CRACK.

He looked down at his hand and his index finger was now completely bent backwards, and definitely broken. Ano walked away from Ralof, but gave him a pat on the shoulder as he passed. Ralof was cradling his hand when Fjrgeir walked up to him.

"You're going to want to set the bone, or else you will lose all use of it" Fjrgeir stated matter of factly. He didn't like what Ano had done, but they all knew about his psychopathic tendencies, and Fjrgeir had known that stealing from Ano would not end well. He helped Ralof put the finger back in place then cast a healing spell over his hand. Ralof's eyes were glaring daggers at Ano, who was now leaning against the thief standing stone. Just as Ralof went to open his mouth, to insult Ano, Ano spoke first.

"If you don't like travelling with me, we are not far from Riverwood. Wolves shouldn't eat you before you arrive."

"Where do you get off doing this to people?!" Ralof spat at Ano.

"Where do you get off stealing? Go on, report it to a guard. I was just protecting my belongings from a thief." A smug grin settled on Ano's lips. Ralof was torn between attacking the mer, and leaving for Riverwood, but when reason returned to him, he scooped up his scarce belongings and stalked off towards Riverwood. Hadvar lingered for a moment, then he also grabbed his belongings and followed Ralof to Riverwood.

Now that the two soldiers were gone, Ano sat down, leaning against a standing stone. Fjrgeir had been keeping his distance from Ano, his displeasure apparent on his face. When Ano noticed this he asked the Nord what was wrong.

"It's what you did to Ralof. I know that he shouldn't have tried stealing from you, but he was hungry and you had food, what did you expect to happen?" Fjrgeir said, voicing his distaste in Ano's actions.

"I knew that he was most likely going to steal from me, that's why I didn't go to sleep. I was waiting. If half an hour had passed and no one had tried to take the food, I would have shared it. It's just most Nords don't like Dunmer, I don't know why, maybe they don't like our finger nails."

"What?"

"They must not like our finger nails. That's all I can think of."

"So, nothing to do with your attitude or anything like that, right?"

"No definitely not" Ano said with a smile. Before he reached into his pack and grabbed some cheese out and chucked it to Fjrgeir.

"You gave your share to the others, so there you go. Now, if you don't mind, I think I'll hit the sack, or vine covered stone. We shouldn't need a watch, so you can go to sleep as well. We'll head to Riverwood in the morning" Ano said as he shifted a little, trying to get comfortable. He closed his eyes and soon there was a faint snoring coming from the mer, completely different to his 'snoring' before, and Fjrgeir realised that he was genuinely asleep this time.

Fjrgeir quickly ate the cheese then nestled himself up against a standing stone. The events of the day had finally caught up to him and within minutes Fjrgeir was asleep, his dreams filled with flying cheese; walking, talking swords; and bright yellow cat eyes.


End file.
